I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
