You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
