He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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