Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Randomize
