if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
