I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
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