I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
