just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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