You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
