It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
