so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Randomize
