How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
