Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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