It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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