No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
