How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
