Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
