Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
