Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
