a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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