My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
