Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
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