Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
