Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
