He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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