...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize