I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
