You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
farters have to be the big spoon...
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
