Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize