P.S. I can't hear my feet
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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