Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
