haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
