i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Randomize
