i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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