This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
