i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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