life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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