nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
