Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
