We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Pants 0. Shit 1.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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