Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
