I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
