So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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