I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
