please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
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