i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
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I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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