Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
