I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
