I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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