well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
did i walk over a car last night?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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