I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I have tasted many bathrooms
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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