bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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