why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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