I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
