Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
