drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
