This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
