Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Randomize
